I’m Not Hiding, Just Thinking

Throughout my life I have been forced outside of my comfort zone to survive. As a young adult I became a waitress, which for someone who is shy can be extremely difficult. Eventually this helped my confidence grow, but inside I remained the same awkward, self conscious young girl I always was. As I grew older, married, became a stay at home mother, and then divorced, I suddenly had to put myself out in the work force to take care of my family. I dislike greatly being told what to do, and even worse when to do it, so I decided to create a life where I was in charge, where I had to speak my mind to make things happen. To live my dreams out loud. I have been an entrepreneur ever since, which has been quite an adventure.

From running my own Children’s Enrichment Program, being an organizer, an interior re-designer, companion for the elderly, traveling farm teacher, to a Reiki Tarot card reader, both in person, special events, and then finally at the Renaissance Faire for 7 weeks last fall.

Needless to say it took a lot out of me to get this far. Now, because of the pandemic, everything has been temporarily shut down, or revised somehow, such as reading tarot cards online. I suddenly became stripped of all I had created, and have been a bit lost ever since.

Being home for the last 8 months has totally removed all the armor I had developed over the years, and now, with a mixture of great pleasure and a dose of anxiety, am hiding away as a hermit. Unfortunately I need to leave my sheltered place soon, as my mortgage and other bills aren’t going to pay themselves. Being unemployed is difficult. How my financial situation has been able to keep my family secure for this long is an absolute miracle. Despite the monetary stress, I love my cozy home, my daily walks around the lake, long hikes, hanging with my kids and my dog, reading romance books, tending my yard, making friends with the crows and squirrels, staying up late, and then starting all over again the next day. Because I have struggled with anxiety my entire life, this time has been a wonderful opportunity for me to heal from being in a constant state of flight or fight. I never realized how much I was ruled by my daily quest to find inner peace. Other than my responsibility to take care of my family, I have had zero obligations. This sabbatical of nothingness has been a much needed relief.

My inner shy girl loves this rambling, creative, peaceful lifestyle of being a pandemic hermit, which is why I am now investing my new dreams into creating this blog. Hopefully it’s going to give me the best of both worlds, so when everything is finally safe again I will have the freedom to be and do what makes me happy. It’s not that much longer when I will be entering my 60’s, and will need something less tiring, and less out there. I have no intention of going backwards and removing myself from everybody. I just want more control over choosing when I want to be my outgoing, friendly self, and when I want to quietly meander about my cave. Being a professional hermit who writes blogs about the outside world, sounds just like my cup of tea.

*In no way am I ignoring the trauma and suffering in our world, I am merely sharing what has kept me personally from being swallowed by despair. I pray constantly for humanity.*

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